Being a Mam without a Mam

This one is a bit different to my usual posts, but it’s 10 years today since my mam died and I wanted to write this just to get things down on (metaphorical) paper.

When you’re younger and you think about having children it doesn’t even come into your head that when it happens you won’t have your Mam to help/guide you or be a grandma to your kids. For me that was and is the case. I got pregnant at 18 and it was just over a year since my mam had died so my immediate thought was what would she think? I knew she wouldn’t judge but part of me thought she might have been disappointed. In hindsight she would not be, she would just want to support me in whatever way needed. There were several points in my pregnancy where I really needed her advice and support with things as I had a few complications, but the point where I needed her the most was the moment I went into labour. She came straight into my head and I thought I just can’t do this without her, but I did and I knew she would have been so proud. Having Zac completely changed my life and he saved me from being the mess that I had been in the past nearly 2 years.

Now, I have three amazing kids and I regularly think about what kind of grandma would she be to them. One thing I am sure of is that she is would have loved them all equally and with all her heart. When you’re younger all you see your parents as is your parent and as you get older you see the other sides of them – a friend, boss/worker etc. and eventually for a lot of people a grandparent. As you grow up, you might get an idea of how they are with babies and younger children with cousins, friends children and so on, but I don’t ever remember seeing my mam with babies so I have no idea what she would have been like. It really gets to me and annoys me that I don’t know what she would have been like because I can’t place her in our routines and adventures that we do.

When I have my hard and patience testing days with the kids, I want to know how she dealt with us when we were like that just so I can have the reassurance that it will get better, I am doing it the right/only/best way or this is something I could try instead. Sometimes this results in me feeling like I’m failing them or myself as a Mam. (Obviously Stuey is amazing at telling me I’m not.)

One (really silly) thing that I feel like I miss out on is mother/daughter shopping trips with their baby(s). I always see a three generation shopping trip/coffee dates etc I am envious of it. It’s such a basic thing but it’s like something where you don’t want to go by yourself with the kids but you need to get out the house and have a break so you just go with your mam. I used to love having our Saturday afternoon cafe trips after getting our hair cut and to do that with the kids (minus the hair cut that would be too much stress) would be lovely.

I do wish my children knew my mam because I know their relationship would be amazing but they don’t know any different so they are none the wiser. All of my children have amazing women in their lives helping them and I am thankful to them all!

It’s not the anniversaries that are hardest but it’s the everyday things or when you have a big change in your life that it hits you the most. My mam isn’t always on my mind and I don’t feel bad in saying that, I’ll never forget her I just have a lot on my mind with my life now. But I do think of her a lot and thankfully not always with sadness. I remember the things she used to do with us and it gives me ideas of what I can do with my kids. I made drop scones for dinner which brought back memories of having them with melted butter on (Zac didn’t like it them but 4/5 ain’t too bad!)

If you’re in the same boat as me or know that one day you will be in this situation then know you aren’t alone and as much as it’s sad you will do it without them. Look for them in your children and make sure when they are old enough they know about them and there are pictures in the house so they see them on a day to day basis. They can’t be there in person but that doesn’t mean they should be forgotten and a stranger to your children.